I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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