just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
