what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
