sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
