I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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