i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
