and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
