she kept yelling 'call me bella'
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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