there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
