Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
