i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
