I'm going to rape someone's good day.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
