What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
