things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
