are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
