Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
