I didn't shave. On purpose
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
