hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
