Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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