dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
