Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
