i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
