My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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