shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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