so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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