I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
