The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
