Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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