Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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