He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I touched a dick in church today
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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