Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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