yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
