There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
