I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
