bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
