I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
