sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
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