I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
