My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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