Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
