Duck Duck Cougar?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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