she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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