I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
