I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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