every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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