I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
