i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
