Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
