his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
