If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
