you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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